A Matter of Heart
Since roughly February 9, 2002 (well, all right, it was that exact date and the exact time was 11:47:07) I've been on an emotional journey that bears writing about, if for no other reason than it might help someone else who has come to a dead end in the road. This journey has to do with rekindling a childhood love. I'm sure now after reflecting on the poor subject of my yearnings that he had no idea the panoply of emotional turmoil he unleashed with his simple declarations that I was his childhood princess. I had no idea where he was, what he had been doing the past 30 something years, or why he had so impulsively written me of our long ago short run as childhood sweethearts. Oh I remembered him, all right. I remembered even the tiniest details of our forays into the realm of boyfriend and girlfriend, and the conflict that his liking me caused among my best friends. Oh the angst of young love, especially when all the players attend Catholic school. I opened that innocent e-mail and it opened a plethora of memories that stayed with me awhile. I had once hoped that our journey together would last longer than it did but he had apparently chosen another path.
How did this little story begin, you ask. His sweet e-mail message tugged at my heart strings and I tucked it away among my happy memories, wondering from time to time until we met again what would become of this newly rekindled friendship. I was well over girlish crushes, having had a long-ago break up of my marriage and having tried dating a few times with the result being some wonderful friendships but no wedding bells or even hints at commitment. The memories that flooded back when I opened his e-mail made me blush. I could not shake that feeling of uncertainty when we finally did meet again face to face some two years after his initial contact. Oddly, he claims to have contacted me at least a year before the first e-mail I received but, perhaps serendipitously, this was the first message I had from him since we last saw one another as seniors in high school.
As women often do, I turned over in my mind the memories of this my childhood friend. The first and oldest image was one of my first encounters with him as a 'boy' approaching manhood. When we were 12, we would attend wonderful dance parties, heavily chaperoned of course. Most of the time, boys stood on one side of the room while girls stood across from them and only the bravest boys, after much team discussion it appeared, began to slowly saunter over to ask girls to join them in a slow dance. He was one of the more athletic and among the cutest of the lot, at least in my book. He was in fact a bit frightening to me in my inexperience. He'd never like me, I was too short, too freckled, not pretty enough, not experienced enough. I was wrong. He asked me to dance, catching me unaware. I held my breath as he bravely encircled my waist with one arm and held my hand close to his chest with his other hand so that I could feel his heart beating rapidly. He giggled and pulled me closer to him. I knew I was as red as a strawberry in full July sunshine and hid my face in his shoulder to hide my embarrassment. Those few moments were at once so comfortable and so comforting. This must be what the older girls were always talking about, this feeling of both contentment and confusion all wrapped into one. Too soon, the slow dance ended and he sauntered off to join his friends. Soon the butterflies faded. So did my hopes that he might like me a little more than some of the prettier, more experienced girls at the party. I would just have to continue to be everyone's little sister and no one's girlfriend. He and I did have one date. He never asked me out again for reasons he's not shared with me and that he probably doesn't recall.
Then a few years ago, when I'd been copied on e-mails among old friends, I noticed his e-mail address and thought, Can't wait to see him again and catch up on what has happened in our lives since we were childhood friends. The chance to see him again came around far too soon. I hadn't lost all those unwanted pounds, I wasn't pretty enough, young and vibrant enough, I would never stand out and most assuredly would never attract him for more than a cursory hello. I remember thinking how ludicrous all this seemed at my age. Yet I remained caught up in the drama and the internal dialog continued unabated until the time for our meeting approached. Nervously I selected just the right outfits, and went on my stroll down memory lane with several other childhood friends. I was surprised at the feelings that swept over me when I first spotted him across the room.
Toward the end of the evening I was tired, confused and, yes, I'll admit a bit frightened. I hadn't realized what an impact seeing an old friend could have on my usually resolute demeanor. Men were, after all, just someone to be sociable with, not to be taken too seriously and certainly not a necessary addition to my peaceful single existence. I had after all gotten along on my own for more years than I'd been married or dating for that matter. What was wrong with me? He had recently left his marriage of 18 years so I should know better than to become involved with someone not ready to even consider a lasting commitment. For that matter, I was not sure I was interested in a commitment of any kind. Why did this happen? Where would it lead?
Several times since that spring reunion, we got together in our home town and on several occasions he traveled to see me. I continued to wrestle with my feelings for this person who had repositioned himself into my life and was seemingly quite persistent in remaining.
We kept in touch by e-mail, I much more regularly than he, and what seemed to be a blossoming relationship fizzled with the distance and the difference of heart. He now lives out of the country and has gone on to other priorities and a new love in his life. Oh, I will continue to pray for him, to think of him and reminisce over the fun times we spent together in our short rekindled friendship.
And, now when I think of those few months, I think how often we mistake being 'in love' with the loving intimacy that comes with really knowing someone you can grow along side day by day. We can sometimes be foolish for a little while, thinking we can reclaim the past, rekindle old flames, relive what was never meant to be in the first place. Perhaps it is a yearning to stay young and perhaps it is wanting to do something a bit differently than the first time around. Whatever the motive, wise men have said that there is always a reason that our paths cross and re-cross in life and our choices can often change our destiny.
I've begun a new path since then. A much more purposeful path with time for lots of reflection and discovery. I don't worry about what is around the next bend, I feel at peace with myself and that is reflected in a new understanding of what love really is and how great a gift it is to receive from someone.
We may never know why things happen as they do but we can always pray for one another that our journey is fruitful and safe. Be careful on your journey to deceive no one, to hurt no one, to cause no one pain. For, in so doing, you reshape your own destiny. This is your only lifetime, give it your best.
How did this little story begin, you ask. His sweet e-mail message tugged at my heart strings and I tucked it away among my happy memories, wondering from time to time until we met again what would become of this newly rekindled friendship. I was well over girlish crushes, having had a long-ago break up of my marriage and having tried dating a few times with the result being some wonderful friendships but no wedding bells or even hints at commitment. The memories that flooded back when I opened his e-mail made me blush. I could not shake that feeling of uncertainty when we finally did meet again face to face some two years after his initial contact. Oddly, he claims to have contacted me at least a year before the first e-mail I received but, perhaps serendipitously, this was the first message I had from him since we last saw one another as seniors in high school.
As women often do, I turned over in my mind the memories of this my childhood friend. The first and oldest image was one of my first encounters with him as a 'boy' approaching manhood. When we were 12, we would attend wonderful dance parties, heavily chaperoned of course. Most of the time, boys stood on one side of the room while girls stood across from them and only the bravest boys, after much team discussion it appeared, began to slowly saunter over to ask girls to join them in a slow dance. He was one of the more athletic and among the cutest of the lot, at least in my book. He was in fact a bit frightening to me in my inexperience. He'd never like me, I was too short, too freckled, not pretty enough, not experienced enough. I was wrong. He asked me to dance, catching me unaware. I held my breath as he bravely encircled my waist with one arm and held my hand close to his chest with his other hand so that I could feel his heart beating rapidly. He giggled and pulled me closer to him. I knew I was as red as a strawberry in full July sunshine and hid my face in his shoulder to hide my embarrassment. Those few moments were at once so comfortable and so comforting. This must be what the older girls were always talking about, this feeling of both contentment and confusion all wrapped into one. Too soon, the slow dance ended and he sauntered off to join his friends. Soon the butterflies faded. So did my hopes that he might like me a little more than some of the prettier, more experienced girls at the party. I would just have to continue to be everyone's little sister and no one's girlfriend. He and I did have one date. He never asked me out again for reasons he's not shared with me and that he probably doesn't recall.
Then a few years ago, when I'd been copied on e-mails among old friends, I noticed his e-mail address and thought, Can't wait to see him again and catch up on what has happened in our lives since we were childhood friends. The chance to see him again came around far too soon. I hadn't lost all those unwanted pounds, I wasn't pretty enough, young and vibrant enough, I would never stand out and most assuredly would never attract him for more than a cursory hello. I remember thinking how ludicrous all this seemed at my age. Yet I remained caught up in the drama and the internal dialog continued unabated until the time for our meeting approached. Nervously I selected just the right outfits, and went on my stroll down memory lane with several other childhood friends. I was surprised at the feelings that swept over me when I first spotted him across the room.
Toward the end of the evening I was tired, confused and, yes, I'll admit a bit frightened. I hadn't realized what an impact seeing an old friend could have on my usually resolute demeanor. Men were, after all, just someone to be sociable with, not to be taken too seriously and certainly not a necessary addition to my peaceful single existence. I had after all gotten along on my own for more years than I'd been married or dating for that matter. What was wrong with me? He had recently left his marriage of 18 years so I should know better than to become involved with someone not ready to even consider a lasting commitment. For that matter, I was not sure I was interested in a commitment of any kind. Why did this happen? Where would it lead?
Several times since that spring reunion, we got together in our home town and on several occasions he traveled to see me. I continued to wrestle with my feelings for this person who had repositioned himself into my life and was seemingly quite persistent in remaining.
We kept in touch by e-mail, I much more regularly than he, and what seemed to be a blossoming relationship fizzled with the distance and the difference of heart. He now lives out of the country and has gone on to other priorities and a new love in his life. Oh, I will continue to pray for him, to think of him and reminisce over the fun times we spent together in our short rekindled friendship.
And, now when I think of those few months, I think how often we mistake being 'in love' with the loving intimacy that comes with really knowing someone you can grow along side day by day. We can sometimes be foolish for a little while, thinking we can reclaim the past, rekindle old flames, relive what was never meant to be in the first place. Perhaps it is a yearning to stay young and perhaps it is wanting to do something a bit differently than the first time around. Whatever the motive, wise men have said that there is always a reason that our paths cross and re-cross in life and our choices can often change our destiny.
I've begun a new path since then. A much more purposeful path with time for lots of reflection and discovery. I don't worry about what is around the next bend, I feel at peace with myself and that is reflected in a new understanding of what love really is and how great a gift it is to receive from someone.
We may never know why things happen as they do but we can always pray for one another that our journey is fruitful and safe. Be careful on your journey to deceive no one, to hurt no one, to cause no one pain. For, in so doing, you reshape your own destiny. This is your only lifetime, give it your best.
posted by Angelfish at 12:36 AM
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