Men's Rules and Women's Reactions to Them
For purposes of discussion (because that, after all, is what we ladies do) I have annotated this rules list providing our collective female perspective. I have not entered into this endeavor lightly. I first consulted my spiritual sisters, my ya ya sisters, my traveling-pants sisters, my Nazi feminist sisters (though they call themselves equals not sisters), my blog buddies, my singing sisters, my female priest, my Shaman, my Ayurvedic practitioner (he, after all, is the one who informed me that the moon was in the right position for me to respond), oh and let's not forget a few colleagues at work, at the gym, at the pool, etc. We women know how to network! And, by the way, that's something else you fellas stole from us. In the interest of fairness, and because we know you will not remember what was initially said since it occurred more than 24 hours ago, we've repeated your entire message (without the identifying monikers) below.
Anyway, as you would say so lovingly, "let's just get on with it..."
**The italicized information was containined in an original e-mail sent to this writer by a friend. The remaining posting is this author's original work.**
This is only being sent to the MEN on my list. We need this kinda support, guys. (For those who've already seen this, it bears repeating. Share this at your male support groups, fellow bar mates, etc.
1. Men ARE NOT mind readers.
Well, you could have fooled us. You're always saying, "un huh, un huh, I know that already."
2. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.
First and perhaps most important, your use of 'you' is grammatically incorrect. Perhaps a better choice would have been 'your'-- that said, we submit that the ONLY way to leave the toilet seat is for the lid and the ring to be firmly closed immediately after use. Otherwise one is exposed to possibly icky stuff in an otherwise pristine, well-decorated, color-coordinated bathroom. How else does one show off their plush, velour toilet seat cover, after all?
3. Sunday sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be. We'll have no obviously coded messages herein concerning the full moon.
We are the proud, albeit sometimes not always so sweet, “protectresses” of the lunar cycle. And, we all know that tides ebb and flow and are always changing, just like the TV channel. Case closed.
4. Shopping is NOT a sport And no, we are never going to think of it that way.
Funny you should try to pass this off as true, fellas. Our personal experience has been that shopping is indeed great sport, especially at around 10:45 p.m. on Christmas Eve, or roughly 5-10 minutes after your wife/significant other/partner/lifemate/girlfriend/friend calls and drops the hint that today is the anniversary of your wedding/meeting/first date/whatever, her birthday, her mother's birthday, etc. But, hey, who's keeping time?
5. Crying is blackmail.
Crying is a natural way to show your emotions so they are unmistakable even to the casual observer. Besides, we laughed so hard when we got this e-mail that we all cried collectively. What is your point.
6. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!
For clarity's sake, what exactly did you mean by this rule? Were you implying that we should ask you what you want, or we should ask you for what we want? The subtle phrasing escapes our repeated attempts to read between the lines and decipher the real reason this should be considered as a rule in the first place.
7. Yes and No are perfectly Acceptable answers to almost every question.
And would that include the preferred methodology for questioning, for example, open ended questions such as "How do you feel when your husband/significant other/partner/life mate/friend attempts to usurp what is clearly your territory by banding together in packs to propagate hogwash such as these rules?"
8. Come to us with a problem only If you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
Hmm, you don't want/need/ask for/seek sympathy... then what exactly was the point of your circulating this list of RULES in the first place?
9. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
And would a headache that lasts (insert here the # of years, months, weeks, days, hours, minutes you've been attached to your current wife/significant other/partners/life mate/friend) be a problem as well? Can you recommend a good doctor? Oh, we see, you don't go to the doctor, ever.
10. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 Days.
Who said anything about arguing; aren't most encounters with your wife/significant other/partners/life mate/friend merely discussions? You have your point of view, she/he has a different, usually opposite, point of view.
11. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.
And your point? This pitiful attempt at banding together in a pack to defend yourselves is just like a soap opera!
12. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.
Sorry, we don't measure things the same way you do. To us three inches is definitely not as big as you think it is. Oh, and 5' 9” is definitely not 59”.
13. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.
After careful consideration, we agree with this statement, however, we do think it is more a suggestion for appropriate behavior rather than a rule.
14. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.
This is yet another statement to which we are willing corporately to agree provided it can be applied bilaterally. Perhaps your collective 'yin' was more engaged when this statement was formulated.
15. Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
This is a unfair request on a number of fronts. 1) there are no commercials, you use TIVO; 2) there may be more to say than can be said during the span of 1-3 minutes; 3) you never want to talk anymore; 4) you used to always want to talk but now you just mumble; we discussed this at length and thought the only time you wanted to talk was immediately after (insert here the occasions after which the recipient husband/significant other/partners/life mate/friend actually DOES talk to you); 5) why is it when you have something important to say, you speak not to us but to our (insert here the pet name your husband/significant other/partners/life mate/friend uses to describe parts of your anatomy he will often speak to in a rather baby-talk style however obviously he prefers not to use proper medical terms to describe)?
16. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.
Yes, and we all know how many false landings Chris had -- did he ever get where he was actually headed? Oh, and how many people did he kill along the way? Case closed.
17. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not A color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.
Now, come on fellas, 16 is only the MEDIUM setting in Windows; 64 is the Highest setting, ergo the one most men choose and that DOES indeed include such luscious colors as peach, mauve, teal, turquoise, lavendar, fuschia, cobalt; shall we go on? In fact, our response was formulated in a lovely shade of light magenta, which is in the fuschia family, a derivation or shade of red as it were.
18. If it itches, it will Be scratched. We do that.
This is another area in which our collective vote might be to allow you to continue in this line of thinking, however, provided only that you no longer ban your wife/significant other/partners/life mate/friend from spontaneous public displays of affection.
19. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," We will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.
20. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, Expect an answer you don't want to hear.
We fail to see the logic of the above two statements. But, we are willing to reconsider provided you explain yourselves in a less obtuse manner.
21. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine...Really
In that case, we think we should pull out that Victoria's Secret thong and bustier you bought...it shouldn't be more than a few sizes too small at this point.
22. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball, the shotgun formation, or golf.
We're always open to discussing baseball -- farm teams ROCK (especially those younger ones); as for the shotgun formation -- are you referring to the alignment of players used commonly in American and Canadian football? Our only complaint is that it does not include the Tight End and that is our favorite position, especially in Fantasy Football. Golf. Hmmm. You have us there. We never much cared for swinging a long thin club at a tiny little hard ball and running around in the hot sun all day in a silly cart that reminds us of your riding tractor lawnmower. Exactly how many dresses/purses/shoes could we have purchased with that little chunk of change?
23. You have enough clothes.
24. You have too many shoes.
Again, we fail to see the logic of the above two statements. There is no such thing as enough clothes or too many shoes. Four days = 12 pairs of shoes; five days = 15 possible outfit combinations; plus those thongs and bustiers, of course. That is by our count at least two bags.
25. I am in shape. Round IS a shape!
It should be obvious that we were referring here to a condition of well being that can only be gained through painful attention to ones diet, proper exercise, adequate sleep, etc., and not a form.
26. Thank you for reading this. Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight; But did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping.
Couch, our arse, here's your hat, what's your hurry. Don't let the door smack you on the way out! We realize that you will most likely ALL be here in the morning when we wake up, having never read even a line or two of our well-thought out and thoroughly pre-discussed and negotiated response. You obviously became too distracted looking for the remote! That's why we love you, after all. You're always still there in the morning.
Anyway, as you would say so lovingly, "let's just get on with it..."
**The italicized information was containined in an original e-mail sent to this writer by a friend. The remaining posting is this author's original work.**
This is only being sent to the MEN on my list. We need this kinda support, guys. (For those who've already seen this, it bears repeating. Share this at your male support groups, fellow bar mates, etc.
1. Men ARE NOT mind readers.
Well, you could have fooled us. You're always saying, "un huh, un huh, I know that already."
2. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.
First and perhaps most important, your use of 'you' is grammatically incorrect. Perhaps a better choice would have been 'your'-- that said, we submit that the ONLY way to leave the toilet seat is for the lid and the ring to be firmly closed immediately after use. Otherwise one is exposed to possibly icky stuff in an otherwise pristine, well-decorated, color-coordinated bathroom. How else does one show off their plush, velour toilet seat cover, after all?
3. Sunday sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be. We'll have no obviously coded messages herein concerning the full moon.
We are the proud, albeit sometimes not always so sweet, “protectresses” of the lunar cycle. And, we all know that tides ebb and flow and are always changing, just like the TV channel. Case closed.
4. Shopping is NOT a sport And no, we are never going to think of it that way.
Funny you should try to pass this off as true, fellas. Our personal experience has been that shopping is indeed great sport, especially at around 10:45 p.m. on Christmas Eve, or roughly 5-10 minutes after your wife/significant other/partner/lifemate/girlfriend/friend calls and drops the hint that today is the anniversary of your wedding/meeting/first date/whatever, her birthday, her mother's birthday, etc. But, hey, who's keeping time?
5. Crying is blackmail.
Crying is a natural way to show your emotions so they are unmistakable even to the casual observer. Besides, we laughed so hard when we got this e-mail that we all cried collectively. What is your point.
6. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!
For clarity's sake, what exactly did you mean by this rule? Were you implying that we should ask you what you want, or we should ask you for what we want? The subtle phrasing escapes our repeated attempts to read between the lines and decipher the real reason this should be considered as a rule in the first place.
7. Yes and No are perfectly Acceptable answers to almost every question.
And would that include the preferred methodology for questioning, for example, open ended questions such as "How do you feel when your husband/significant other/partner/life mate/friend attempts to usurp what is clearly your territory by banding together in packs to propagate hogwash such as these rules?"
8. Come to us with a problem only If you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
Hmm, you don't want/need/ask for/seek sympathy... then what exactly was the point of your circulating this list of RULES in the first place?
9. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
And would a headache that lasts (insert here the # of years, months, weeks, days, hours, minutes you've been attached to your current wife/significant other/partners/life mate/friend) be a problem as well? Can you recommend a good doctor? Oh, we see, you don't go to the doctor, ever.
10. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 Days.
Who said anything about arguing; aren't most encounters with your wife/significant other/partners/life mate/friend merely discussions? You have your point of view, she/he has a different, usually opposite, point of view.
11. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.
And your point? This pitiful attempt at banding together in a pack to defend yourselves is just like a soap opera!
12. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.
Sorry, we don't measure things the same way you do. To us three inches is definitely not as big as you think it is. Oh, and 5' 9” is definitely not 59”.
13. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.
After careful consideration, we agree with this statement, however, we do think it is more a suggestion for appropriate behavior rather than a rule.
14. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.
This is yet another statement to which we are willing corporately to agree provided it can be applied bilaterally. Perhaps your collective 'yin' was more engaged when this statement was formulated.
15. Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
This is a unfair request on a number of fronts. 1) there are no commercials, you use TIVO; 2) there may be more to say than can be said during the span of 1-3 minutes; 3) you never want to talk anymore; 4) you used to always want to talk but now you just mumble; we discussed this at length and thought the only time you wanted to talk was immediately after (insert here the occasions after which the recipient husband/significant other/partners/life mate/friend actually DOES talk to you); 5) why is it when you have something important to say, you speak not to us but to our (insert here the pet name your husband/significant other/partners/life mate/friend uses to describe parts of your anatomy he will often speak to in a rather baby-talk style however obviously he prefers not to use proper medical terms to describe)?
16. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.
Yes, and we all know how many false landings Chris had -- did he ever get where he was actually headed? Oh, and how many people did he kill along the way? Case closed.
17. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not A color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.
Now, come on fellas, 16 is only the MEDIUM setting in Windows; 64 is the Highest setting, ergo the one most men choose and that DOES indeed include such luscious colors as peach, mauve, teal, turquoise, lavendar, fuschia, cobalt; shall we go on? In fact, our response was formulated in a lovely shade of light magenta, which is in the fuschia family, a derivation or shade of red as it were.
18. If it itches, it will Be scratched. We do that.
This is another area in which our collective vote might be to allow you to continue in this line of thinking, however, provided only that you no longer ban your wife/significant other/partners/life mate/friend from spontaneous public displays of affection.
19. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," We will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.
20. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, Expect an answer you don't want to hear.
We fail to see the logic of the above two statements. But, we are willing to reconsider provided you explain yourselves in a less obtuse manner.
21. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine...Really
In that case, we think we should pull out that Victoria's Secret thong and bustier you bought...it shouldn't be more than a few sizes too small at this point.
22. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball, the shotgun formation, or golf.
We're always open to discussing baseball -- farm teams ROCK (especially those younger ones); as for the shotgun formation -- are you referring to the alignment of players used commonly in American and Canadian football? Our only complaint is that it does not include the Tight End and that is our favorite position, especially in Fantasy Football. Golf. Hmmm. You have us there. We never much cared for swinging a long thin club at a tiny little hard ball and running around in the hot sun all day in a silly cart that reminds us of your riding tractor lawnmower. Exactly how many dresses/purses/shoes could we have purchased with that little chunk of change?
23. You have enough clothes.
24. You have too many shoes.
Again, we fail to see the logic of the above two statements. There is no such thing as enough clothes or too many shoes. Four days = 12 pairs of shoes; five days = 15 possible outfit combinations; plus those thongs and bustiers, of course. That is by our count at least two bags.
25. I am in shape. Round IS a shape!
It should be obvious that we were referring here to a condition of well being that can only be gained through painful attention to ones diet, proper exercise, adequate sleep, etc., and not a form.
26. Thank you for reading this. Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight; But did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping.
Couch, our arse, here's your hat, what's your hurry. Don't let the door smack you on the way out! We realize that you will most likely ALL be here in the morning when we wake up, having never read even a line or two of our well-thought out and thoroughly pre-discussed and negotiated response. You obviously became too distracted looking for the remote! That's why we love you, after all. You're always still there in the morning.
posted by Angelfish at 9:53 PM
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